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Showing posts with label Entertainment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Entertainment. Show all posts
Suparna
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
Suparna
A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen.

The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators.

The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.

The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!"
Suparna
M = mentally
A = admitted
T = teacher
H = harassing
S = students


Secrets of Mental Math: The Mathemagician's Guide to Lightning Calculation and Amazing Math Tricks All the Math You'll Ever Need: A Self-Teaching Guide (Wiley Self-Teaching Guides)40 Fabulous Math Mysteries Kids Can't Resist (Grades 4-8)Short-Cut Math
Suparna
May I know the Time Please...

Young Man: Sir, may I know the time, please?

Old Man: Certainly not.

Young Man: Sir, but why? What are you going to loose, if you tell me the time?

Old Man: Yes, I may loose something if I tell you the time.

Young Man: But Sir, can you tell me how?

Old Man : See, if I tell you the time you will definitely thank me and may be tomorrow again you will ask me the time.

Young Man: Quite possible.

Old Man: May be we meet two three times more and you will ask my name and address.

Young Man: Quite possible.

Old Man: One day you may come to my house saying you were just passing by and came into wish me.Then as a courtesy, I will offer you a cup of tea. After my courteous approach you will try to come again. This time you will appreciate tea and ask who has made it.?

Young Man: Possible

Old Man: Then I will tell you that my daughter has and I will then have to introduce my young and pretty daughter to you &; you will admire my daughter.

Young Man: Smiles. ;)

Old Man: Now onwards you will try to meet my daughter again and again. You will offer her to go out for a movie together and a date with you.

Young Man: Smiles

Old Man: My daughter may start liking you and star waiting for you. After meeting regularly you will fall in love with her and propose her for marriage.

Young Man: Smiles

Old Man: One day both of you will come to me and tell me about your love and ask for my permission.

Young Man: Oh Yes! and smiles

Old Man: (Angrily) I will never marry my Daughter to a person like you who does not even own a Watch.
Suparna
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
 
Thanks,
A Troubled User


REPLY: Dear Troubled User,

This is a very common problem that men complain about. It is due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is merely a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.

Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding 'General Partnership Faults'! (GPF's.) Your Wife 1.0 does a scan for GPF's during it's monthly program maintenance scan (PMS). You must assume joint responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPF's are cyclical. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YESDEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Remember, the system will run smoothly as long as you share the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 (which replaces Burn It 1.0), and Do Bills 4.2. You must, however, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen. WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
 
Best of luck,
Tech Support


Dear Tech Support,

This is a common mistake made by people who are not aware of the other alternative packages available. Since they are not advertised widely, very few people realize that they can install PolyPartner 3.0 and get many of the benefits of both Girlfriend 7.0, and Wife 1.0. It should be noted, however that, though PolyPartner 3.0 provides a significant amount of system interoperability it is NOT a "low maintenance" application. There is significant work to making this package work, just as there is if you were to switch from Windows to Linux - a learning curve that requires frequent updates to the manual and constant communication with the various applications.

For example, once you install PolyPartner 3.0, you can still run Girlfriend 7.0, but you will need to perform a setup procedure with PolyPartner 3.0 so that both applications will understand each other, and how they are to inter-operate. Still, once the set up procedure is in place, you can enjoy both systems, either separately or together. To maintain this usage level, frequent tweaking of the inter-operation rule database may be required, but this is possible for the highly motivated. Over time, the typical user will learn the quirks to running these applications and might even want to upgrade to the TRIAD 2.5 level of software that transforms PolyPartner 3.0 and Girlfriend 7.0 into one seamless working unit with tremendous benefits for the user and the system. But, as I said, this option is not commonly known, and in fact, has been actively discouraged by the sellers of the Fundamentalist Society 8.5 software package.

Personally, I think this package is highly overrated. It has so many obscure and unjustified rules for usage; the license agreement seems to have been written by a medieval inquisitor; and the options offered are so limited that I can't imagine anyone being really happy using it. But to each his own... your mileage may vary... caveat emptor... carpe diem... et al disclaimers..

Here's evidence of another stupid tech support person unaware of PolyPartner 3.0...

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.  What can I do?
 
Signed,
Desperate


REPLY: Dear Desperate,


First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. At the command line, try entering  C:\ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.  Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or re-install another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I  personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.
 
Regards,
Tech Support

 
Suparna
George, Robin and Alex are standing at the Gates of Heaven being interviewed by St. Peter.

"Ok you, George, how many times did you cheat on your wife??"

"Let me be honest Peter. I've been seeing at least two or three different women a year all my married life".

"Ok, your car in heaven is that Hyundai Santro there. Goodbye."

St. Peter turns to Robin, "How many times did you cheat on your wife??"

Robin replies, "I must admit that in fifteen years of marriage I did cheat on my wife twice."

St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that Honda Civic. Here are the keys. Get going!"

He then looks at Alex, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife??"

Alex lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that in over twenty years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife. In fact, my beloved has been dead for two years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"

St Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that BMW Z4-M Roadster convertible. Goodbye!"

George and Robin have driven off and are in a car park nearby waiting for their friend. Alex turns up in his BMW but he is crying his heart out.

George asks, "Arrre! What's the matter with you? We should be crying. We're stuck with these cheaper models and you got an expensive BMW!"

Between sobs Alex explains, "I just saw my wife driving a Nano!"

Suparna
Funny Tongue Twister Phrases

    * He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts.

    * Rubber baby buggy bumpers

    * Frivolous fat Fannie fried fresh fish furiously

    * Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.

    * I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.

    * A big black bug bit a big black bear. But where is the big black bear that the big black bug bit?

    * Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.

    * The winkle ship sank and the shrimp ship swam.

    * Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.

    * Hi-Tech Traveling Tractor Trailor Truck Tracker

    * How many yaks could a yak pack pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?

    * Nick knits Nixon's knickers.


Funny Tongue Twister Poems

I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's mate,
And I'm only plucking pheasants 'cause the pheasant plucker's late.
I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son,
And I'm only plucking pheasants till the pheasant pluckers come.



A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot
Said the two to the tutor
"Is it tougher to toot
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?"

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked.
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers
How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?

A certain young fellow named Beebee
Wished to marry a lady named Phoebe
"But," he said. "I must see
What the minister's fee be
Before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee"

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
If a woodchuck would chuck wood?
A woodchuck would chuck all the wood he could chuck
If a woodchuck would chuck wood.

I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.

A skunk sat on a stump.
The stump thought the skunk stunk.
The skunk thought the stump stunk .
What stunk the skunk or the stump?

If one doctor doctors another doctor
Does the doctor who doctors the doctor
Doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors?
Or does the doctor doctor the way
The doctor who doctors doctors?

The doctoring doctor doctors the doctor the way
The doctoring doctor wants to doctor the doctor.
Not the way the doctored doctor wants to be doctored.

I cannot bear to see a bear
Bear down upon a hare.
When bare of hair he strips the hare,
Right there I cry, "Forbear!"

Bitty Batter bought some butter
"But," said she, "this butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter,
It will make my batter bitter."
So she bought some better butter,
And she put the better butter in the bitter batter,
And made the bitter batter better.